7. Nobody Likes Shy People.

my mom likes to give advice.

but she's crazy and Korean and mean.

sometimes not all three.

but always at least two.

from as far back as i can remember, the things that i've learned about myself and of the world came from the very skewed and altogether tainted perceptions of my mother.

for instance, the fact that i'm weird and awkward has been mentioned several times a year, by her, since i was the age of 4.

[more recently, she told me that, "It's lucky you're a lesbian becuzzah girl tend to like awkward people. Look at me and yoh Daddy."]

and i remember the first time.

as the youngest of three girls, my quietness was kind of a blessing.

i never cried when i was a baby, and if i did, it was easy to console me.

i hardly ever spoke.

i never really got into fights with my sisters.

and, unlike the older two, i wasn't nosy or hyperactive or overwhelmingly curious.

i just...was.

when the oldest, Olivia, was in kindergarten, her teacher would occasionally call home and complain about how much over-sharing Olivia would do.

...Olivia was the kid who would tell the other kids how babies were made.

or about abortion.

Annie would get calls home, too, because, being one of the smartest kids in class, she would finish her work early and prevent the others from doing their work by being too chatty.

when it was my turn to start kindergarten, my parents were sure they'd finally get a break.

5 or 6 months of bliss: not a peep from my teacher.

until one night, when they found out why.

i was sitting in my room, playing with my action figures, when my mother slowly and cautiously walked in.

she quietly watched me for several moments, like she was waiting for me to come clean or break into a fit of hysterics.

"Beekie?" she finally said.

i put my toys down and looked up at her.

"Ah you unhappy?"

"...Huh?"

"Yoh teachah just call. She asked ip you were unhappy."

i stared.

i didn't know what she was getting at, especially since she didn't seem angry.

i'd never seen her look just politely confused before.

"She says you habn't said a word to anyone in 5 months..."

i kept staring.

is that weird? i thought.

she took a seat next to me.

"Ah you unhappy?" she repeated.

as always, i just didn't know what to say.

i shrugged.

"I don't think so."

"Beekie-yah," she started, seriously, putting a hand on each of my shoulders. she sighed.

i was confused and worried.

her level of concern was new to me.

"Beekie-yah," she started again, "Nobody likes shy people."

i felt my eyes go wide.

my pulse quickened.

i panicked.

she read my face.

"No, really. Shy and quiet people make odah people peel uncomportable."

i thought back to all those times i didn't say anything.

unanswered waves.

awkward smiles.

how many people have i made uncomfortable?!

"So try to pix dat, okay? Odahwise, people gonna sink yoh weird."

she patted me on the head.

"Nobody likes shy people, okay?"

she left.

and i was scarred.

and i'm pretty sure i'm weirder than ever.