13. Be Yourself: Wooing Is Pain.

i'm clueless and have no right to tell people how to woo their crushes.

i do, however, consider myself something of an expert in all things awkward and wrong.

here are my findings:

1. don't try to impress your crush by promising to build her a tree house.

2. don't try to deliver on said promise by stealing lumber from a nearby construction site.

3. and don't do it barehanded.

...crying when your mommy has to pull out each and every one of the splinters definitely isn't sexy.

4. don't stare.

5. don't hold on to a hug too long.

6. don't go on to spend too much money on iTunes or songs by artists you know she likes.

7. or research said artists and try to insert random, unnecessary tidbits about them in everyday conversation.

...poverty and too much zeal aren't sexy.

8. don't try to ignore them.

9. when you accidentally run into them in some place, don't try to do the same thing the next day, at the same time, in the same place.

10. when, at a slumber party, it's decided that there isn't enough room for everyone to sleep on the floor, don't try to impress her by volunteering to sleep in the closet.

11. don't invent a playground game called "Monster Chase" which really only needs two players.

and you're the monster.

12. if you volunteer to be Daddy in a game of House, you'd better live up to the job.

13. don't just sit in a corner and demand treats.

14. don't laugh too loudly at one of her not-so-funny jokes.

15. don't be awkward.

16. don't spend hours on a birthday/random gift for her and then, when giving it to her, say, "It's nothing, really."

17. don't crush on straight people.

or gay people, for you heteros out there.

18. don't go out of your way to do something "altruistic."

19. like run after a piece of paper someone dropped.

20. because you'll just fall on your face.

21. in the middle of traffic.

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good luck.