22. sex is weird.

i'm actually not gonna start this post off with sex.

the title was just a ploy to reeeeeel you in.

and you see, it worked!

perv.

(fear not, though: awkward observations about sex are to come.

...hahahaha.

...gross.

sorry.)

anywho!

what i will start off with is the fact that my triple-threat status as an ethnic, queer woman gets a lot of weird reactions.

brown and yellow people take one look at my gayness and say, "eeeeeeesh."

gays/overly politically correct and activist lesbians take one look at my iffy hue and go, "oooooooo."

straight guys look at everything and say, "YESSSSSS."

hm.

i've never really understood that whole "straight guy fascination with lesbian sex" thing.

maybe it's because, for me, the mystery's gone.

er, actually, the mystery is still very much there, as the reality of the situation is that sex is downright confusing.

don't get me wrong, i hardly regret anything.

it's just.

hot damn.

my first time was...right.

we'd talked about it, prepared for it, we really cared about each other, we were sober...

it was right.

but holy Jeebus.

there were moments when i kind of wished i was at least a little drunk.

had some liquid courage.

didn't apologize every few seconds for being awkward or doing awkward things.

didn't make things more awkward than they needed to be by apologizing for being awkward.

straight guys/guys in general don't know how easy they have it.

lucky douches.

if there's one thing i've learned in the past year, it's that women are weird.

and complicated.

and the fact that i'm one of them doesn't make things any easier.

if anything, it's more terrifying to think that the other person might be able to read my thoughts or something.

or might know or understand something about me that i don't even know or understand.

women are weird and complicated and scary.

i would know: i come from a long line of them.

and i take after my dad.

[to be continued. sorry for the abrupt ending.

that's what he said!]

7. Nobody Likes Shy People.

my mom likes to give advice.

but she's crazy and Korean and mean.

sometimes not all three.

but always at least two.

from as far back as i can remember, the things that i've learned about myself and of the world came from the very skewed and altogether tainted perceptions of my mother.

for instance, the fact that i'm weird and awkward has been mentioned several times a year, by her, since i was the age of 4.

[more recently, she told me that, "It's lucky you're a lesbian becuzzah girl tend to like awkward people. Look at me and yoh Daddy."]

and i remember the first time.

as the youngest of three girls, my quietness was kind of a blessing.

i never cried when i was a baby, and if i did, it was easy to console me.

i hardly ever spoke.

i never really got into fights with my sisters.

and, unlike the older two, i wasn't nosy or hyperactive or overwhelmingly curious.

i just...was.

when the oldest, Olivia, was in kindergarten, her teacher would occasionally call home and complain about how much over-sharing Olivia would do.

...Olivia was the kid who would tell the other kids how babies were made.

or about abortion.

Annie would get calls home, too, because, being one of the smartest kids in class, she would finish her work early and prevent the others from doing their work by being too chatty.

when it was my turn to start kindergarten, my parents were sure they'd finally get a break.

5 or 6 months of bliss: not a peep from my teacher.

until one night, when they found out why.

i was sitting in my room, playing with my action figures, when my mother slowly and cautiously walked in.

she quietly watched me for several moments, like she was waiting for me to come clean or break into a fit of hysterics.

"Beekie?" she finally said.

i put my toys down and looked up at her.

"Ah you unhappy?"

"...Huh?"

"Yoh teachah just call. She asked ip you were unhappy."

i stared.

i didn't know what she was getting at, especially since she didn't seem angry.

i'd never seen her look just politely confused before.

"She says you habn't said a word to anyone in 5 months..."

i kept staring.

is that weird? i thought.

she took a seat next to me.

"Ah you unhappy?" she repeated.

as always, i just didn't know what to say.

i shrugged.

"I don't think so."

"Beekie-yah," she started, seriously, putting a hand on each of my shoulders. she sighed.

i was confused and worried.

her level of concern was new to me.

"Beekie-yah," she started again, "Nobody likes shy people."

i felt my eyes go wide.

my pulse quickened.

i panicked.

she read my face.

"No, really. Shy and quiet people make odah people peel uncomportable."

i thought back to all those times i didn't say anything.

unanswered waves.

awkward smiles.

how many people have i made uncomfortable?!

"So try to pix dat, okay? Odahwise, people gonna sink yoh weird."

she patted me on the head.

"Nobody likes shy people, okay?"

she left.

and i was scarred.

and i'm pretty sure i'm weirder than ever.

4. Get a Prescription for Ritalin.

a train of thought i recorded several days ago, when i was supposed to be studying. or weeks. i can't count.

1. McGonagall was Dumbledore's fruit fly.

2. ...Dumbledore was totally McGonagall's lesbro.

3. if the Three Broomsticks had a Witches' Night...

4. ...or a Wizards' night...

5. ...or if Hogwarts had a GSA.

6. if witches and wizards bother with practicing safe sex...

7. ...Protego!

8. why didn't Harry accio the golden egg?

9. why didn't Hermione ever bitch-slap Harry/Ron?

10. is transitioning for a witch-to-wizard or wizard-to-witch easier?

11. ...is there a spell for that?

12. what if you're a witch/wizard who identifies more as, say, a centaur?

13. why can't i get a degree in Witches Studies?

14. i don't know what to do with my life.

15. i can't even get this paper done without getting completely distracted.

16. is there a potion for ADD?

17. i bet i have undiagnosed ADD.

18. it'd explain a lot of things.

19. like that time i randomly blurted out the number 2 when, apparently, the professor had asked, "What percentage of the world is Asian?"

20. i wish i was more Asian.

21. only sometimes, though.

22. except when i'm applying for things.

23. i feel like people grade Asians harder.

24. it's lucky i have an ambiguous name, that leans a little more toward the brown side.

25. it actually sounds almost British, til you get to the last name.

26. i wish i was British.

27. i'd like to raise my kids in the UK, just so they'd speak in cute accents and call me "mum" or "mummy."

28. "mum" is probably one of my favorite words.

29. my second-favorite is "fancy."

30. my absolute-favorite is "douche."

31. "douche" is a magical word that i refuse to use too much, because i worry that i'll get tired of it.

32. it's a noun.

33. and an adjective.

34. onomatopoeia.

35. French.

36. i wanted to learn French more than i ever wanted to learn Spanish.

37. when i'm at a Mexican/Mexican-themed restaurant, where the menu items are Spanish-y, i have to pep myself up in order to say the name properly.

38. usually, i still panic when it's my turn to order and end up saying things with hard r's and a slight valley-girl accent.

39. whenever i think back to particularly embarrassing moments, my body literally convulses.

40. laughing out loud actually helps keep the convulsions under control.

41. so i sound crazy rather than look crazy.

42. i laugh in all situations.

43. it got me kicked out of a haunted trail once, because, when something jumped out at me, i jumped, panicked, and laughed long and hard out of anxiety.

44. i also stare at people uncomfortably when i'm feeling especially awkward.

45. or when i'm plucking up the courage to say something to them.

46. especially if they're very pretty, or at least interesting-looking.

47. one of the nicest compliments i've ever gotten is, "Vickie, you bring out the weird in people."

48. i still don't exactly understand what that means.

49. holy crap.

50. it's 2:23 in the morning.