14. Cognates Don't Embarazar, They Just Make You Look Like an Ass.

when i was little, i trusted my parents.

i looked both ways before crossing a street.

ate my broccoli.

watched Seinfeld.

my parents could do no wrong.

so when we moved to Peru, and i was terrified by the thought of having to learn a new language, i believed my dad when he told me, "Don't worry about it! Spanish is just like English!"

being just 7 or 8, and therefore so very aware of how awkward and painful it is to be "different," my dad's consoling words really sunk in deep.

"Really, Vickie," he told me, the morning of my very first day of school in Peru, "So many Spanish words sound exactly like English words. If you're ever in doubt, just think of the English word and you'll be fine."

Hmm, i thought to myself, If that's really the case, and I'm sure it is, this Spanish thing won't be so hard.

but dear Jeebus.

it was.

when my class got ready to go to the Spanish portion of the day (i went to the American school), our teacher divided us into two groups: the Native Speakers and Everyone Else/the Gringos.

i was the only brown kid who was grouped with the Gringos.

when we all nervously walked into the Spanish classroom, we found the walls lined with dozens of Spanish kitten posters, graffiti, and Latin American flags.

standing at the front of the room, beckoning us toward her, was a tall, dark woman wearing a shawl and smile.

the tension in my stomach loosened a little bit as i took my seat in front of her.

"Bienvenidoswelcome, littleoneschiquititos," she crooned, her bracelets jingling as she raised her arms and stretched them wide, pulling us all into some kind of hippie-dippy, spiritual hug.

she introduced herself and assured us that learning Spanish is actually fun.

everyone at my table looked doubtful.

she then told us she needed to get a better idea of our levels, so she put us into a line and instructed us to, when it was our turn, say any sentence we knew to say in Spanish.

But I don't know how to say anything in Spanish.

my stomach tightened again.

i tried to calm myself.

took a deep breath.

Okay, i thought, What can I say?

i wracked my brains.

I can say "I have!" Tengo! Easy! And I can say..."two!" Dos! But...what do I have two of?

desperate, i scanned the room for inspiration.

cats weren't an option, or windows, or tables.

the line was shortening.

my time was running out.

dejected, i looked down to the ground.

and saw my arms.

and, suddenly, i remembered my dad's advice.

Spanish words sound exactly like English words...

i got it.

i cracked the code.

Spanish is EASY.

and it was my turn.

proudly, i stepped right up in front of my teacher, a big grin on my face.

"Okay, chiquitita," she said, returning the smile, "Quepuedesdecir, what can you say?"

i took in a deep breath.

prepared myself.

"Tengo dos armas!"

her smile disappeared.

mine did, too.

i was confused.

"Que?" she finally managed to say.

"...Huh?" was my response.

"Quedijistechiquitita, what did you just say?"

"Tengo dos armas!" i said again, clearer and louder.

she stared.

"Tengo. Dos. Armas," i was starting to get frustrated, thinking she must not be on the same level as me.

Silly.

"TENGO DOS ARMAS," this time i flailed my arms around, pointed to them, made ridiculous gestures, trying to help her understand.

comprehension and relief dawned on her face.

"Ohhhh," she said, "Tienesdos BRAZOS, not ARMAS. Armas are GUNS."

my face fell.

my dad let me down.

i was in shock.

muy embarazada.

er.

just embarrassed.

i promised myself never to trust cognates ever again.

until, not too long after, i was proved wrong again.

some of my teammates and i were hanging out in the parking lot of the swimming pool, waiting for our practice to start.

i was telling them a story about a car accident i had seen, using mostly gestures as i still couldn't speak much Spanish.

everything was going well until i had to mime out the word, "car."

it was the one day the parking lot was completely empty.

i adjusted my imaginary rear-view mirror, put my car into Drive, and revved forward.

"Carro!" someone called out.

remembering the Arma Incident, i panicked.

"Nooo!" i replied, "No carro!"

they exchanged looks.

i tried again.

this time, i put the car in Reverse, made louder revving noises, and honked my horn.

"Carro!" another friend guessed again, sounding a little impatient.

"Nooo!" i repeated, sadly.

i made more car sounds, braked hard, made wide turns.

"Carro!"

i sighed and gave up, plopping myself down on the steps next to my friends, all of whom looked just as confused and frustrated as i did.

finally, a car pulled up.

excited, i stood up and pointed to it.

"Eso!" i shouted, "Por alla!"

they exchanged looks again.

"Si," someone said, "Beekie, es un carro."

my face fell again.

cognates are the devil.