9. Never Walk Alone. On a Playground. In Daylight.

seriously.

it's common sense.

and nobody had to really tell me about it.

i found out on my own.

once, when i was in second grade, my class was walking across campus to the PE building when i decided to lag behind a bit to stop at the water fountain.

i wasn't bothered when my class disappeared around the corner; honestly, what's the worst that can happen on a playground?

but as i drew back from the fountain and took just two steps, i found out exactly what.

in a flurry of hair, pink light-up sneakers, and frills, a mysterious force socked me right in the stomach and pushed me onto the ground.

for the first couple of seconds, i was sure only of two things:

1. i'm on the ground.

2. there is a weird hip thrust action going on.

and it was over as soon as it started.

briefly, i managed to catch a small glimpse of my attacker: a girl i only knew by face and reputation.

the second grade weirdo.

i laid there for a bit longer, trying to let the recent events register.

a third thought popped into my prematurely lesbian-aware mind: How did she KNOW?

slowly, i sat up, stood up, re-oriented myself, and made my way towards my PE class.

when i rounded the corner, my teacher ran up; suspicious, probably, because of the disheveled state of my hair and clothes, and the look of pure confusion and wonder on my face.

"Vickie!" she said, "What happened? Where were you?"

i looked up at her, speechless.

i wracked my brain for the right words.

i wasn't even sure if there were any words in the English language that could completely do the story justice.

and then i remembered the James Bond movies my sisters let me watch.

and the Dawson's Creek and Titanic.

i tapped into my no-no vocabulary.

i came to my senses.

"She," i started, still hesitating, still trying to fully register what had happened, "Sh-sh-sh..."

"...Yes?!"

"She...HUMPED me!"

she stared.

"She...what?" she whispered.

"HUMPED!" i repeated loudly.

"Shhhhhh" she said, urgently, "What do you mean by 'humped?'"

thinking that she wasn't quite on my level of vocabulary, i decided to help her out by demonstrating.

"Humped!" i said again, thrusting my hips, "HUMPED!"

she immediately grabbed my shoulder, "Stop that!"

i suddenly remembered why that word was in my no-no list.

i thought i was in trouble, or that no one would understand.

then, out of nowhere, a classmate of mine, a girl, came out from behind the teacher.

her face was streamed with tears and it was obvious that she had been listening the entire time.

my teacher and i considered her for a shocked moment before she finally managed to sob, "ME, TOOOOOOOOO!"

so, really, i learned two important lessons:

1. never walk alone.

2. i'm not the only secret lesbian in second grade.