37. don't put the cart before the horse. but here are some things i'm going to teach my kids or nieces and nephews [if they're ever to exist.].

i do a lot of wishful thinking.

like considering having kids someday.

even if i don't, and i commit myself to a life of hermithood, here are some things i might prioritize, based on observations and personal experiences/preferences:

1. the difference between "your" and "you're."

mama didn't [won't] raise no fool.

2. the differences between "their," "there," and "they're."

3. good storytelling, oral and written.

the written part of which will be enhanced by their knowledge of the aforementioned distinctions.

4. puns.

5. to take PepcidAC to avoid Asian Glow when drinking.

6. to not laugh like a monster, as my sister tells me i do.

(i.e. BWA-hahahaha)

7. rudimentary social skills.

the responsibility of which will be placed on their other mother's shoulders.

or, if i'm single, those of their aunts.

...better yet, family friends.

8. to be unafraid of telling bad jokes.

9. though i'd probably still prefer it if they mastered the art of joke-telling.

10. to recover after accidentally blurting out some unflattering detail about themselves.

or doing something stupid.

11. to actually not be afraid of doing something stupid in public, which will be aided by the Recovery Lesson.

12. Black, Yellow, Brown people are okay.

13. the White ones, too.

14. and Europeans.

15. foreigners and immigrants, in general.

16. it's okay to be straight.

and bi, trans, and, obviously, gay/lesbian.

17. eat whatever the hell you want.

there's nothing wrong with having more to love.

18. i'm probably going to be that annoying mother who tells their kids they're beautiful and amazing and that i love them on the daily.

even in front of their friends.

19. don't be afraid of grandma.

20. old school Nickelodeon was way better in my day.

you can watch my DVD collection instead of that new crap.

21. it's okay to cry during sports movies, no matter what Aunts Olivia and Annie say.

and mommy's friends.

22. it's okay to write cringeworthy journal entries.

in a few years you'll probably laugh at them/yourself and wear them as a badge of honor.

23. if you laugh first, no one else has the chance to laugh at you.

24. even your bad ideas are probably good ones if you're willing to laugh at yourself.

25. Harry Potter is a way of life.

26. don't be so afraid of your feelings for other people that Asian Glow comes out while you're un-inebriated.

or you run away.

and avoid them.

27. hugging/human contact can be a good thing.

28. in fact, most people would probably tell you that it IS a good thing.

29. having feelings isn't a bad thing, even if i sometimes make fun of you for it.

i only do it out of love.

30. don't be afraid of wishful thinking.

31. don't be ashamed of your taste in things.

even if no one else really understands why you love The Village so much.

--

and that's all for now.

i'll probably be working on this for the next 50-some-odd years.

4. Get a Prescription for Ritalin.

a train of thought i recorded several days ago, when i was supposed to be studying. or weeks. i can't count.

1. McGonagall was Dumbledore's fruit fly.

2. ...Dumbledore was totally McGonagall's lesbro.

3. if the Three Broomsticks had a Witches' Night...

4. ...or a Wizards' night...

5. ...or if Hogwarts had a GSA.

6. if witches and wizards bother with practicing safe sex...

7. ...Protego!

8. why didn't Harry accio the golden egg?

9. why didn't Hermione ever bitch-slap Harry/Ron?

10. is transitioning for a witch-to-wizard or wizard-to-witch easier?

11. ...is there a spell for that?

12. what if you're a witch/wizard who identifies more as, say, a centaur?

13. why can't i get a degree in Witches Studies?

14. i don't know what to do with my life.

15. i can't even get this paper done without getting completely distracted.

16. is there a potion for ADD?

17. i bet i have undiagnosed ADD.

18. it'd explain a lot of things.

19. like that time i randomly blurted out the number 2 when, apparently, the professor had asked, "What percentage of the world is Asian?"

20. i wish i was more Asian.

21. only sometimes, though.

22. except when i'm applying for things.

23. i feel like people grade Asians harder.

24. it's lucky i have an ambiguous name, that leans a little more toward the brown side.

25. it actually sounds almost British, til you get to the last name.

26. i wish i was British.

27. i'd like to raise my kids in the UK, just so they'd speak in cute accents and call me "mum" or "mummy."

28. "mum" is probably one of my favorite words.

29. my second-favorite is "fancy."

30. my absolute-favorite is "douche."

31. "douche" is a magical word that i refuse to use too much, because i worry that i'll get tired of it.

32. it's a noun.

33. and an adjective.

34. onomatopoeia.

35. French.

36. i wanted to learn French more than i ever wanted to learn Spanish.

37. when i'm at a Mexican/Mexican-themed restaurant, where the menu items are Spanish-y, i have to pep myself up in order to say the name properly.

38. usually, i still panic when it's my turn to order and end up saying things with hard r's and a slight valley-girl accent.

39. whenever i think back to particularly embarrassing moments, my body literally convulses.

40. laughing out loud actually helps keep the convulsions under control.

41. so i sound crazy rather than look crazy.

42. i laugh in all situations.

43. it got me kicked out of a haunted trail once, because, when something jumped out at me, i jumped, panicked, and laughed long and hard out of anxiety.

44. i also stare at people uncomfortably when i'm feeling especially awkward.

45. or when i'm plucking up the courage to say something to them.

46. especially if they're very pretty, or at least interesting-looking.

47. one of the nicest compliments i've ever gotten is, "Vickie, you bring out the weird in people."

48. i still don't exactly understand what that means.

49. holy crap.

50. it's 2:23 in the morning.