37. don't put the cart before the horse. but here are some things i'm going to teach my kids or nieces and nephews [if they're ever to exist.].

i do a lot of wishful thinking.

like considering having kids someday.

even if i don't, and i commit myself to a life of hermithood, here are some things i might prioritize, based on observations and personal experiences/preferences:

1. the difference between "your" and "you're."

mama didn't [won't] raise no fool.

2. the differences between "their," "there," and "they're."

3. good storytelling, oral and written.

the written part of which will be enhanced by their knowledge of the aforementioned distinctions.

4. puns.

5. to take PepcidAC to avoid Asian Glow when drinking.

6. to not laugh like a monster, as my sister tells me i do.

(i.e. BWA-hahahaha)

7. rudimentary social skills.

the responsibility of which will be placed on their other mother's shoulders.

or, if i'm single, those of their aunts.

...better yet, family friends.

8. to be unafraid of telling bad jokes.

9. though i'd probably still prefer it if they mastered the art of joke-telling.

10. to recover after accidentally blurting out some unflattering detail about themselves.

or doing something stupid.

11. to actually not be afraid of doing something stupid in public, which will be aided by the Recovery Lesson.

12. Black, Yellow, Brown people are okay.

13. the White ones, too.

14. and Europeans.

15. foreigners and immigrants, in general.

16. it's okay to be straight.

and bi, trans, and, obviously, gay/lesbian.

17. eat whatever the hell you want.

there's nothing wrong with having more to love.

18. i'm probably going to be that annoying mother who tells their kids they're beautiful and amazing and that i love them on the daily.

even in front of their friends.

19. don't be afraid of grandma.

20. old school Nickelodeon was way better in my day.

you can watch my DVD collection instead of that new crap.

21. it's okay to cry during sports movies, no matter what Aunts Olivia and Annie say.

and mommy's friends.

22. it's okay to write cringeworthy journal entries.

in a few years you'll probably laugh at them/yourself and wear them as a badge of honor.

23. if you laugh first, no one else has the chance to laugh at you.

24. even your bad ideas are probably good ones if you're willing to laugh at yourself.

25. Harry Potter is a way of life.

26. don't be so afraid of your feelings for other people that Asian Glow comes out while you're un-inebriated.

or you run away.

and avoid them.

27. hugging/human contact can be a good thing.

28. in fact, most people would probably tell you that it IS a good thing.

29. having feelings isn't a bad thing, even if i sometimes make fun of you for it.

i only do it out of love.

30. don't be afraid of wishful thinking.

31. don't be ashamed of your taste in things.

even if no one else really understands why you love The Village so much.

--

and that's all for now.

i'll probably be working on this for the next 50-some-odd years.

34. My mom is deep.

what's this? a second blogpost in just 24 hours?

huzzah!

i've recently received some good news, so i'm in a giving mood.

this post is inspired by a new find of mine, Tiger Mom Says, so it features some pretty impressive tidbits of advice my mother's graced my sisters and me with over the course of our lives.

here we go:

1. "You will not play the flute. You will play the saxophone like my favorite artist, Kenny G."

2. "What is Swarthmore? I know what Harvard is. Not Swarthmore!"

3. "You don't need a boyfriend. You need to become a well-rounded person. Special in everything so that you can host Saturday Night Live someday."

4. "Why are you going to social work school? Why does everything have to be the hard way with you?!"

5. "Why are you going to be a teacher? Why does everything have to be the poor way with you? Don't you want to own a boat someday?"

6. "You won't sing. You play instrument and learn real skill."

7. "University of Chicago? Why you going so far away for state school not even as good as UVA?"

8. "You think B+ is okay? B going to take you to community college!"

9. "You want to join drama club? You make enough drama at home with your grades!"

10. "Japan? I can't talk to you anymore."

11. "Don't cry; it makes you look guilty."

12. "Speak up; shy people weird everyone else out."

13. "I knew you were gonna grow out of the lesbian thing like your grandma grew out of the lesbian thing."

14. "Nobody puts my baby in the corner."

15. "You wanna go to college to get job being funny? I'm funny, why don't you pay me? You can't? Exactly."