31. poor eating/sleeping habits = weird-ass dreams.

i rarely remember dreams.

the few i do remember are all strange, vivid, or hilarious.

or all three.

i know that, apparently, i talk in my sleep.

i occasionally manage to laugh myself awake.

sleep with my legs sticking straight up or crossed.

etc.

here are some examples:

1. in high school, while reading The Importance of being Earnest for English, i dreamt that i sat on a pouf at a small coffee table.

the room was dark, except for the spotlight pointed at the pouf across from me, and on a plate of cucumber sandwiches.

i reached out and ate one.

two.

several.

and so on and so forth.

occasionally, a friend of mine - or at least a familiar face - came along and sat across from me, sharing the sandwiches.

nobody spoke.

the guests filed through, one by one.

and that was it.

i've never had a cucumber sandwich in my life.

i'm not even sure if my imagining of said sandwich was at all accurate.

2. i was walking around with some friends.

eventually, a friend pointed out my funny walk.

everyone else chimed in and teased me.

i kept trying to laugh along, secretly hurt.

i said, "Haha I don't walk like that..."

aloud.

in real life.

and woke up when i overheard myself say "that."

3. i ran into someone i know by acquaintance - someone very pretty, relatively popular, though generally absent.

certain events took place that i can't remember, but at one point we found ourselves in a big king-plus-sized bed.

fully clothed, don't worry.

and she turned over so i could big-spoon her.

i seized the opportunity.

though, for some reason, i didn't really know what i was doing.

she gave me instructions and i was eager to follow them.

and that was it.

for the rest of the dream, until i woke up, i dream-spooned.

and that's about the raunchiest my dreams have ever gotten.

4. it took place during WWII.

i was at a concentration camp, as a Nazi, but after witnessing a heinous crime i decided that i was batting for the wrong team.

i resolved to escape the camp and find allies to enlighten them and end the war.

for the majority of the dream, i ran across the countryside, evading dozens of Nazi trucks, planes, tanks, and infantrymen.

5. i was at an airport, trying to check my bags in.

for some reason, the agent kept telling me that the bags couldn't go through.

i got angrier and angrier.

before i realized, "Hey! This is a dream!"

and my bags magically went through.

and then i gloated.

and woke up.

6. i was dead, in heaven, and someone i had feelings for while alive came up and joined me, after getting hit by a car: an accident i tried to prevent and consequently faced "judgment."

as i was the first person she thought of after dying, i was sent to her as her Guide.

i took her around heaven, showing her the ins and outs.

at around lunchtime she said she was hungry, so i asked her what she was craving.

"I dunno," she replied, "Chinese?"

"Perfect! For that we can go to B-Town."

"B-Town?"

"Buddhism Town. It looks a lot like Chinatown."

"Isn't heaven just for Christians and Catholics and...whatever?"

"Well, I mean...heaven's infinite, right?"

"Right..."

"So why can't there just be room for everyone?"

7. i was doing a stand-up gig.

my joke, "Overly political lesbians look at my color and go, 'Ooooo.' Koreans and Latinos look at my gayness and go, 'Eeeesh.' Straight guys take it all in and go, 'YESSSS.'"

i laughed myself awake.

8. i was in a classroom.

everyone else was working on some craft project.

i was listening to a certain someone give something of a lecture at the whiteboard.

the entire board was covered in her handwritten lists and sets of rules.

she cracked tons of jokes - none of which is coming to mind - and when a professor tried to interrupt, i stood up next to her.

she and i teased each other for a little while.

eventually, she rebutted by punching me in the crotch.

i doubled-up in laughter and pain.

a bystander asked, "What happened?"

the culprit replied, "I punched her in her doormat, that's what."

Do people really call it that? i thought to myself, Also, that didn't hurt as much as usual. ...Hey! This is a dream!

i proceeded to laugh even harder.

to the point where i woke myself up.

actually laughing out loud.

---

that's all i've got for now.

i'll keep you posted in case anything really embarrassing comes spilling out of my subconscious.

27. i have weird thoughts.

i've been going through my mini-journals, trying to dig up something of a comedy bit i could offer up to my loyal readers.

nothing terribly long or detailed caught my eye, though - at least, nothing intentionally funny and long and detailed - but i did come across various random ideas i thought i'd share to pass the time and avoid studying.

here we go:

1. My mom's nickname in high school was Barracuda.

Mine was Waddles.

Something skipped a generation.

2. I really don't like that whole "Butch/Femme" thing.

Mostly because I have no idea which one applies to me.

I'm like a Butch/Femme combo.

Homeless.

A Bumme.

3. For the joke about The First Time: Gestures.

Slowly start reaching hand out as if to grab something, at last second, just after finally touching whatever, suddenly pull away.

Scared.

"Oops! Haha! ::shudder:: Oops! ...Yours or mine? ...Hahaha...?"

[Proceed with awkward, ashamed gestures.]

4. I hate being in the friend zone. I mean, if there's one thing I like about myself, it's my taste in women.

But hot damn.

And you get so desperate you start doing desperate things.

Like playing chauffeur or buying them things.

Being their wingwoman.

That's probably the worst, actually.

Except, luckily for me, she has no idea that I'm actually a terrible wingwoman.

5. PMS Goggles.

6. ...Also, last night's dream featured an all-out spoon-fest with ____ ____.

Random, but lovely.

Until I woke up to find out that none of it happened.

Still, though.

Dream ____ ____ knows how to cuddle.

7. Speaking in terms of spoons.

I'm way too effing lazy to be butch or femme.

I'm okay with just being bumme.

Fetch.

A surprise big spoon.

8. Waiting for Godot spoof: Waiting for Jaffar.

Magic carpet.

9. Hm. I should try to find a way to unite Drunk Vickie and Sober Vickie.

Confident Vickie and Lame, Whiny Vickie.

Gross.

I'm lame in real life.

10. Whatever [in regards to being called a "perv"].

Last week I totally considered spooning as "getting some."

11. "Playing for teams."

The lesbian team playing in flannel jerseys.

12. BAH.

13. I didn't know I was weird 'til my mother told me.

14. I come from a long line of terrifying women.

And I take after my dad.

15. Impelled to write a short story entirely in my mother's voice.

Which might accidentally become an entire novel, given the superfluous verbal additives that're sure to arise.

16. My "game" is more like Parcheesi.

Seems like everyone else is playing Halo.

17. I like how Disney thinks it got the whole Asian peoples covered with Mulan.

They needed about 20 movies to show us the different kinds of white people who're out there, but Asians needed just one.