36. the world is a lonely place. and i hate emo, so don't worry. emo as in feely, not as in Korean aunt.

whether you're coming out as gay, nerdy, trendy, a Belieber, a knitter, etc., the world can and probably will be unkind.

it's amazing the lengths we're willing to go in order to find that sense of community, and how desperate we are when we're harboring so many secrets.

whenever i think back to my days in the Lesbian Closet, it's hard to believe that the person experiencing all those woes existed in the very same body that carries me today.

and some of the things i did to hide myself now strike me as ridiculous:

1. dating boys.

2. throwing on a parka after swim practice and sprinting through the locker room instead of lingering around to shower and change with my teammates.

because, well, girls made/make me uncomfortable.

3. when a girl i was deeply in love with at swim practice offered to let me touch her abs as she was laying down, and we were alone on the deck in just our swim suits, i panicked and blurted out that i had to use the bathroom.

4. telling my parents, at the age of 8, "I know everyone thinks I'm a lesbian, but I just want you to know that I'm NOT."

5. laughing and nodding a little too rigorously when friends commented on a boy's frumpiness.

6. blushing whenever someone asked me what boy i was crushing on.

which actually worked well, as everyone tended to misinterpret the reasons behind my shade.

7. reading Jane Austen novels.

--

and when i finally started to deal with the gay thing and decided to look into the larger community, as well as to more fully accept it, kind of:

1. i googled "gay nerds" and found a forum that featured topics like "Hott Spock" and "Willow, Will-WOW."

i felt "connected."

after watching episode after episode of The L Word, it was nice to see that not ALL lesbians were wildly attractive, articulate, well dressed women.

2. watching The L Word on mute on the basement TV when everyone was asleep.

3. i avoided that girl i liked all the more.

too many feelings to deal with.

4. watching Ellen.

5. looking at colleges that were as far away from home as possible.

as well as their respective LGBT resource centres.

6. hugging people more often.

this seems a little irrelevant, but lemme tell you: when you're so determined to keep that Gay Secret, somehow you irrationally believe that your gayness can be discovered through osmosis or something.

--

but now that the gay thing's all done and dealt with, i laugh, really, at how melodramatic i made everything seem.

my Coming Out process was really anti-climactic and unexpectedly funny.

awkward, yes, and painful at times, but still easier to cope with than anticipated.

so now i find myself finally dealing with all sorts of things that were kept on the backburner: my inability to open up; my overall awkwardness; my nerdiness; my addiction to food; my weird insecurities.

it's almost as if my bored subconscious is trying to refill the big Worry Void that Coming Out left in its wake with whatever it can find.

my biggest concern nowadays is coming to terms with my awkwardness/social skills.

Lesbianism is so passe.