35. friend-flirting vs. flirting-flirting. WHO WILL WIN?

if you've been following along with this blog, you're probably well acquainted with the fact that i'm kind of an idiot in matters of the heart.

not kind of.

...and not just of the heart.

if you're currently being Notes-to-Self-deflowered, well, i just told you.

you're welcome.

and now that that's established, and everyone's caught up, let's move on.

once, when i was complaining about the fact that i'm either the last to find out about other people's feelings towards me or i'm branded as the forever-friend and nothing more, my less-mushy/sympathetic sister told me two things: 1) "hahahahahaha Your love life makes me laugh"; 2) "Be wary of the difference between friend-flirting and flirting-flirting."

What the hell is "friend-flirting?" i wondered.

she told me that when someone wants to be friends with another - just friends - he/she takes an approach similar to the one they'd take if they wanted things to be romantic.

it's more toned-down, slightly less forward.

it's all about talking and getting to know someone.

hanging out, bonding, goofing off.

"So...what's flirting-flirting, then?"

my mind was blown.

"Well, I mean. If you just wanna be friends with someone, you're less likely to try so hard you make an ass of yourself, right? It's less forced. More natural."

no.

no, that's not the case.

unfortunately, for so long i was trapped in a shell that now, whenever i sense any inkling of a connection with someone, i become overzealous in my endeavours and end up making an ass of myself anyway.

in fact, i'd argue that when i first meet someone, any idea of possible romantic feelings is the farthest from my mind.

my primary goal when i meet someone is to be able to force myself to go beyond my shy borders, choke out any potential thoughts, feelings, and interests, rather than resort to my usual, safe, reserved nature.

to be friends.

apparently, this is the wrong way to go about things.

nobody else seems to feel this way.

which means that on more than one occasion, looking back, i'm sure i've come across as something of a creeper to a number of people.

or an asshole.

like that one time when a friend unwisely assigned me the role of her wingwoman, and, try as i might to encourage her target to hang out with us, my multiple texts/invitations/urgings probably only made it look as though i was the predator.

bad friend-flirting.

or that time at Game Stop when a friendly guy came up and struck up a conversation, and i thought it was perfectly acceptable to reciprocate, only to find out that he was hitting on me.

"Are you single?"

"Uhh," with sudden realization, "I am, but...I'm also a lesbian."

[i'm still not sure why i decided to let him know that i'm also a lesbian.]

more bad friend-flirting.

other examples include more times when i've inadvertently led someone on, only to upset them and burn bridges: bridges i didn't even know were burned til much later when a close friend chastises me for my foolishness.

there are times when, apparently, i'm too good at friend flirting.

or i'm bad at it, sometimes crossing that line.

...i'm not sure if that thought process was easy to follow.

oh, well.

in terms of flirting-flirting, well, i'm still working on this.

sadly, once i've decided that i've somewhat succeeded, in any small way, in friend-flirting, as well as the fact that i'm actually deeply attracted to whoever's fallen victim to my awkward friend-woos, things become more complicated.

not because i'm ambiguous or because i "play the game."

but because i do exactly the opposite of those things.

everyone's playing Halo.

i'm still stuck on Parcheesi.

while, apparently, i've been practicing my friend-flirting for a number of years, my flirting-flirting's been put on the backburner.

or i've just got a totally different perspective on how it should all play out.

i was raised in a Korean household, meaning i was always taught that people can and should be as blunt and unrelenting as my mother.

also, dating/flirting/extracurricular social life were all big no-nos in our house, so i didn't get much of a chance to get out there in the first place.

also, there was that whole Closet debaucle.

anywho.

whenever i try to flirt-flirt, i find myself battling inner-demons: those instincts of just throwing everything onto the table instead of showing my cards in moderation.

i blush, laugh too loudly, make awkward, sappy admissions.

basically, my wooing abilities carry with them the power to scare any lesbian away.

a true gift.

navigating that line between friend-flirting and flirting-flirting is hard.

impossible.

i either go too far, or not far enough, or too far without realizing it and regretting it later, or just make an ass of myself.

to those of you i might have frightened away - and what're the chances, really, of you completely avoiding me only to occasionally read my blog - i apologize.

i have the social skills of a very confused kindergartener.

creeping you out was never on my to-do list.

i should probably take to being clear in my intentions whenever i try to hang out with people.

"Hi, I'm Vickie! I'm not hitting on you right now, I just want to be friends."

or.

"Hi, I'm Vickie! I'm actually hitting on you right now, but please let me know if I go too far so I can make a note of it for future friend-deavours or girlfriend-deavours."

sad.

this is gonna be a long road.