getting away with not kissing your middle-high-school boyfriend for 2+ years is easy when you casually slip into conversation the fact that your dad is in the army and probably owns a gun.
and is, like you, very Catholic.
and probably owns a gun.
being straight was easy.
or acting like it was, at least.
in a way.
acting on my desperation to hide any signs of my gayness wasn't as difficult as it could've been.
"Hey, Vickie, you should toooootally ask Jon out!"
"...Why?"
"Because! He's cute and he toooootally likes you! Like, likes you likes you."
"Huh."
during the next class period, i found my target.
"Hey, Jon -"
"Hi!"
"Yeah. So-and-so said that you like me like me."
"Uhh..."
"Wanna be my boyfriend or something?"
"Yes!"
and that was that.
flirting.
the dating part wasn't all that complicated either.
i kind of liked opening doors for him and paying for his movie tickets.
nor did he seem to mind, though at first he gave me weird looks.
"What, is this weird?" i asked, sincerely.
"Uh. A little bit."
"Oh. Huh."
and we carried on.
in terms of the conditions of our "relationship," being that i was usually busy with swimming and school and violin stuff, keeping him and his angsty hands at bay wasn't much of a challenge.
if anything, as far as i was concerned, i had a new best friend.
occasionally he'd drop hints about things, though, like, "Haha So some of my guy friends said that if they were me, they'd've totally kissed you by now. Like a lot."
"Haha That's funny."
and then i'd remind him about my dad.
nowadays, i do feel guilty about the way i treated Jon.
he was a good guy - sweet, silly, and genuine.
unfortunately, he was a guy and i was a lesbian, so any chances of me completely giving the thing a real go were nonexistent.
i figured that if i was really going to turn straight with this whole arrangement, anything beyond my 1st base (that's handholding) would be a reward for my newfound straightness.
after 2+ years, handholding and occasional pecks on the cheek were as hot as we got.
it hurt a lot, knowing that i made no progress.
and that i must've also been inadvertently hurting someone who was the least deserving of indifference.
and now i'm not only wracked with the guilt of having wasted over 2 years of his prime, awkward, pre-pubescent "dating" years for my own selfish aims, but also with the regret of being way too self-aware and self-conscious to try anything beyond 1st base.
because now i'm fucked.
the least i could've done, i know now, was to figure out how to properly navigate through that whole talking and flirting and dating and relationship(ping?) mess, to avoid becoming the oblivious mess i am now.
so that when a perfectly attractive girl randomly texts, "Hey! I'm caught in traffic right now and would really love a distraction ;)," my first thought isn't, Why the hell is she telling me this? but, Ohmigod, Ohmigod, Ohmigod, she's TEXTING me! Winky face!
or, when i finally do decide to do the pursuing, i don't jump to the opposite end of the spectrum by going with my middle-school-hetero gut-feeling and come off so strong that i scare her away.
women are so much more complicated than guys.
nowadays i find myself so terribly lost and confused and clueless that any prospects that decide to fall into my lap end up slipping through and vanishing into some vacuum for mixed-up words and gestures.
i'm close to giving up.
whenever i fantasize about sparking something up with someone, i like to think that i'm the pursuer.
suave and sophisticated.
witty and irresistible.
and then i wake up and stare for uncomfortably long periods of time or vomit incoherent thoughts all over a promising conversation.
or not say or do anything at all.
just stick with my old standby: quietly pining.
miserably.
i'm beginning to think that i'm hopeless.
always the friend but nothing else because i lack the ovaries and savvy to make things happen.
Big Spoon dreams with Little Spoon attitude.
the best i can do now, i think, is to sit around, clueless and somewhat uninhibited in my hopelessness, and wait for someone to be clear and gameless.
"Hey. I think we should date."
that'd be good enough for me.
except, knowing me, i'd probably still wonder if she's kidding.
hot damn.
i'm pathetic.
[and this post is kind of all over the place. my apologies.]
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