20. people have weird thoughts.

i'm currently writing a screenplay-ish-type-thing about cankles.

cankles, you ask?

yes.

one of the most arbitrary physical traits that beautiful people seem to obsess over when looking for something to obsess over.

the basic plotline for this story centres around a newly thin young woman who, after going out for a celebratory shopping spree and tattoo, comes home to see her own set of ankles featured on a late-night news story about the spreading epidemic that is cankles.

is?

are?

i hate grammar.

anywho.

in honor of this soon-to-be-finished-but-actually-started-once-this-writer's-block-disappears, i've decided to lay down a number of weird insecurities i've encountered in my shortish, longish 21 years of living.

some of them might be my own.

in fact, yes.

most of them probably are.

1. stinky feet.

i have notoriously stinky feet, but no matter how many de-odorizers i apply, the stench perseveres.

which is why i tend to sit cross-legged at other people's homes when i'm shoeless.

so now you know.

2. being bendy.

i don't know.

whenever i feel like i'm in dire need of impressing someone, i feel the need to show-off my bendiness.

like that one time in middle school when i wanted to impress a girl at a sleepover and volunteered to sleep in a very cramped closet when it was decided that there wasn't enough room for everyone on the floor.

luckily, no one took me up on it.

but i mean.

i still felt bad about not being able to show them how bendy i was.

3. having disproportionate limbs.

yes.

this one isn't necessarily mine, unless you count my need to mention my large love-handles at least once in awkward conversation, but i have been made to lend a patient ear to those who are deeply concerned about the lengths and dimensions of their body parts.

i don't know if i just lack that special skill to see just how much shorter or longer certain arms and legs can be, but i honestly can't even see it most of the time.

4. two of my toes on my right foot are practically melded together.

not webbed.

but my middle toe and the one closest to the pinkie pretty much bend into each other.

almost like they're spooning.

when i was little i was so insecure about this that i tried to train my toes to separate.

i'd hold them apart.

or put a ball of tissue between them.

they still spoon, but now i can do this weird trick where i can pull them apart into what looks like piano hands.

piano toes.

and now i have to worry about people knowing about this...

5. not having anything witty to say.

i hate it when that happens.

i feel like i'm letting people down.

and when i find that i have nothing wittastic to say, i tend to laugh louder than i should and say something awkward and obvious, like, "Exactly," or, "Word."

or i just repeat the last comment in different words.

i'm pretty sure i have a special talent for making people feel slightly uncomfortable.

6. my left toes are clearly longer than my right toes.

yeah.

that's all i have to say about that one.

7. i'm a hypocrite for having mentioned my toe lengths not too long after talking about people's weird obsession with limb length.

8. when other people have weird talents that i don't.

or talents that're weirder than mine.

like completely bending a hand backward so that it touches the wrist.

or touching the tip of the nose with the tongue.

when i was about 5 i started to train myself to do the belly wave like Garth and the ear wiggle like my dad.

i even went so far as to teach myself to do the wave, wiggle, and a number of other tricks at the same time.

at the dinner table.

9. sloppy eating.

in fact, when i'm eating i'm so deeply concerned about how messy i am that i end up making even more of a mess.

in a way more awkward way than need be.

like when i try to not slurp up the noodles, i just end up trying to do this odd maneuver of leaning too far over the dinner table trying to politely bite through the too tough noodles that end up on either my face or my pants.

10. my sleeptalking.

apparently i do it.

and i'm always so worried that i'll reveal or say something about someone in close proximity.

or reveal one of my secrets.

or something in my subconscious.

like how deeply concerned i am about Ellen Page's potential lesbianism...

and that's about all i've got for now.

i'll be sure to update this list as soon as i've thought of more.

in the meantime, if anyone has a request or an idea for an insecurity i can write about, feel free to fill me in!

i might even start taking requests at this point.

seeing as how i'm blocked up and whatnot.

seriously.

if you've got writer's laxative to offer up, dish it out.

bye.