2. I'm a Little Weird.

here are 22 things about myself to wet your pallet.

and to help me burn off the 3 cups of coffee i just had.

1. 1 cup of coffee is more than enough.

2. i have very little self-control.

3. especially when it comes to donuts.

4. i'm also very partial to redheads.

5. and puns.

6. and women.

7. before i came out, i was sure that my lesbian-ness was dead obvious.

8. until i moved to LA.

9. and seriously considered shaving my head and getting "tats."

10. i've been afraid of needles since birth.

so much so that, at the age of 5, no less than 4 nurses had to hold me down after i managed to escape to and hide in the other end of the clinic.

11. the only Korean i know i learned while sitting shotgun to my mother.

12. and after bringing home B papers.

13. the first quiz i ever failed was in geography, and i had to label each state in the US.

14. in the 5th grade, i cried after i found out that, because everyone who scored better than me on a diagnostic geography quiz backed out, i had to participate in the upcoming Geography Bee.

15. the boy i sat next to in the Bee felt so bad that he whispered 1 or 2 of the answers to me.

16. i still lost.

17. in the Spelling Bee, of the same year, i was so nervous i misspelled my third word, "Barnacle."

18. i spelled it with a "u."

19. my mother tried to console me by saying that my loose tooth made my "a" sound like a "u."

20. to this day, i cringe whenever i see/hear the word.

21. ...i just cringed.

22. i tend to find comfort in donuts.

1. Gay Marriage Means I Can Marry My Dog[s].

seriously, though.

maybe those right-wing crazies have a point?

maybe not crazies.

maybe innovators.

really, what other kind of person could take marriage and tie it in with bestiality?

no ordinary person could do it.

the train of thought must've gone something like this:

1. God created a couple of people: one man, one woman.

2. well, really there was only one person - a man - and then the man got lonely and needy, so He created Eve, too, to keep him company.

3. Eve got bored and tired of taking care of Adam, and she needed some space, so she went off by herself and had a snack.

4. she found out that she and Adam were naked, and that the dead-giveaways might actually serve a purpose.

5. and then they had babies, because babies can only happen if there's one dude and one lady.

6. so the kids grew up and showed signs of severe emotional issues (but, hey, they exist, right? magic!).

clearly, only a hetero couple could make that kind of magic happen.

(and raise those kids proper.)

7. otherwise, the parts don't fit. it'd be a holy clusterfuck.

way too confusing.

He kept things simple.

8. anywho.

9. why complicate things? you can't bang two pointy things together and get something out of it, other than funny noises, and when you try to bang two tubish things together all you get is a hollow sound.

nothing.

nonsense.

10. why make percussion noises when you can make babies/magic?

11. shiz don't make no sense.

12. no one would choose percussion over babies/magic.

13. except crazies.

14. and crazies like all sorts of things:

a. yelling.
b. raving.
c. murdering.
d. hitting.
e. putting things where they don't belong.
f. animals.

15. animals?

16. especially animals.

and especially putting things where they don't belong.

17. heck, if they "prefer" not making babies by doing shiz that just don't make no sense, then they have to fill the void with something.

so why not animals?

18. and even if they don't like animals, what's the difference, really, between one crazy and the next?

19. nothing worth a mention.

20. all crazies live/belong in the same place.

Hell.

21. if we let them marry each other (or even US), then they'll wanna start marrying animals next!

22. especially the ugly 'mos who can't find any other 'mos who want them.

23. animals are the next logical step, seeing as how they can't argue that well.

bite, yes, but that's nothing some tranquilizer can't fix.

24. and crazies, like 'mos, can't really tell the difference anyway.

-----

so here's my thinking:

1. i don't like men the way i'm supposed to like men.

2. i must be crazy.

3. i have a dog who i love named Wheezy.

4. i'm not sure if he loves me, but he does nuzzle and cuddle me a lot.

5. and lick my hand.

6. and sometimes hump my leg.

7. i'm kind of awkward.

8. and desperate.

9. probably mostly desperate.

10. and shy.

11. but still mostly desperate.

12. Wheezy can't talk.

13. which means he can't argue.

14. because he's an animal.

15. some states allow gays to get married.

16. which means that the world's going to pot and it must be okay for anyone to marry anything that they like.

17. like a lamp.

18. i don't like any of my lamps.

19. but i do love Wheezy.

20. i should marry Wheezy.

21. and once that's done, since, again, if letting gays get married means people can marry animals which means that polygamists can fulfill their wildest, frock-filled dreams, i'll buy more dogs and marry them, too.

22. GENIUS.

-----

honestly, right now Wheezy's just about the only non-bloodrelated living thing in my life that's shown signs of unconditional love towards me.

and, as long as it has a pulse, what's the difference?