i rarely remember dreams.
the few i do remember are all strange, vivid, or hilarious.
or all three.
i know that, apparently, i talk in my sleep.
i occasionally manage to laugh myself awake.
sleep with my legs sticking straight up or crossed.
etc.
here are some examples:
1. in high school, while reading The Importance of being Earnest for English, i dreamt that i sat on a pouf at a small coffee table.
the room was dark, except for the spotlight pointed at the pouf across from me, and on a plate of cucumber sandwiches.
i reached out and ate one.
two.
several.
and so on and so forth.
occasionally, a friend of mine - or at least a familiar face - came along and sat across from me, sharing the sandwiches.
nobody spoke.
the guests filed through, one by one.
and that was it.
i've never had a cucumber sandwich in my life.
i'm not even sure if my imagining of said sandwich was at all accurate.
2. i was walking around with some friends.
eventually, a friend pointed out my funny walk.
everyone else chimed in and teased me.
i kept trying to laugh along, secretly hurt.
i said, "Haha I don't walk like that..."
aloud.
in real life.
and woke up when i overheard myself say "that."
3. i ran into someone i know by acquaintance - someone very pretty, relatively popular, though generally absent.
certain events took place that i can't remember, but at one point we found ourselves in a big king-plus-sized bed.
fully clothed, don't worry.
and she turned over so i could big-spoon her.
i seized the opportunity.
though, for some reason, i didn't really know what i was doing.
she gave me instructions and i was eager to follow them.
and that was it.
for the rest of the dream, until i woke up, i dream-spooned.
and that's about the raunchiest my dreams have ever gotten.
4. it took place during WWII.
i was at a concentration camp, as a Nazi, but after witnessing a heinous crime i decided that i was batting for the wrong team.
i resolved to escape the camp and find allies to enlighten them and end the war.
for the majority of the dream, i ran across the countryside, evading dozens of Nazi trucks, planes, tanks, and infantrymen.
5. i was at an airport, trying to check my bags in.
for some reason, the agent kept telling me that the bags couldn't go through.
i got angrier and angrier.
before i realized, "Hey! This is a dream!"
and my bags magically went through.
and then i gloated.
and woke up.
6. i was dead, in heaven, and someone i had feelings for while alive came up and joined me, after getting hit by a car: an accident i tried to prevent and consequently faced "judgment."
as i was the first person she thought of after dying, i was sent to her as her Guide.
i took her around heaven, showing her the ins and outs.
at around lunchtime she said she was hungry, so i asked her what she was craving.
"I dunno," she replied, "Chinese?"
"Perfect! For that we can go to B-Town."
"B-Town?"
"Buddhism Town. It looks a lot like Chinatown."
"Isn't heaven just for Christians and Catholics and...whatever?"
"Well, I mean...heaven's infinite, right?"
"Right..."
"So why can't there just be room for everyone?"
7. i was doing a stand-up gig.
my joke, "Overly political lesbians look at my color and go, 'Ooooo.' Koreans and Latinos look at my gayness and go, 'Eeeesh.' Straight guys take it all in and go, 'YESSSS.'"
i laughed myself awake.
8. i was in a classroom.
everyone else was working on some craft project.
i was listening to a certain someone give something of a lecture at the whiteboard.
the entire board was covered in her handwritten lists and sets of rules.
she cracked tons of jokes - none of which is coming to mind - and when a professor tried to interrupt, i stood up next to her.
she and i teased each other for a little while.
eventually, she rebutted by punching me in the crotch.
i doubled-up in laughter and pain.
a bystander asked, "What happened?"
the culprit replied, "I punched her in her doormat, that's what."
Do people really call it that? i thought to myself, Also, that didn't hurt as much as usual. ...Hey! This is a dream!
i proceeded to laugh even harder.
to the point where i woke myself up.
actually laughing out loud.
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that's all i've got for now.
i'll keep you posted in case anything really embarrassing comes spilling out of my subconscious.
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