19. being yellow and brown means i get to pick and choose.

childhood was a confusing time for me.

and for others.

am i brown?

am i yellow?

Samoan?

the only real conclusion people have been able to draw about me is that i'm not white.

sometimes i'm tempted to start a betting pool or one of those carnival stands for rounds of "Guess My Race."

it took a long time before i realized, "Hey, I'm the future."

but it wasn't just the Bennetton coloration of my skin that drove me nuts: it was what was supposed be going on under the surface, too.

what do yellow people do?

what do brown people do?

again, it took just a little while before i was able to come to terms with the fact that i could choose.

here's a list of apparent Yellow Dos and Don'ts:
1. doing math.
2. doing science.
3. playing violin.
4. not driving.
5. not whispering.
6. not letting things go.
7. haggling.
8. not waiting.


and here's a collection of Brown ones:
1. low-riding.
2. cat-calling/making white women feel uncomfortable.
3. being in a place where i don't belong.
4. not doing math.
5. not doing science.
6. not practicing safe sex.
7. dancing.
8. not speaking English.

hmmm.

the selection here is pretty much just a small sampling of the things i've observed and been told while growing up.

so which ones apply to me?

do i get to pick and choose?

do other people get to pick and choose?

it certainly felt that way when i was little.

if i got anything lower than an A on a test, at least a couple of people would say that i must've been having a brown day.

if i managed to do well, people assumed it was because of my yellowness.

seems to me like there's something of a contradiction coursing through my veins, making up my double-helix.

if i follow the lists above, i could very well be a loud-mouthed, impatient gangsta who also happens to be a virtuoso.

or a medical student with hydraulics and a sex offender record.

and things got even more complicated when i threw the lesbian thing into the mix.

can i really care about the environment while driving a low-rider SUV around LA?

would my yellow-driven need for perfection really go with the laidback, hippie-dippy hipster feel of my 21st century lifestyle?

do parasols really go that well with wifebeaters and tattoos of obscure musical and literary references?

i'm at a loss.