long time, no talk.
but excuses are like butts, and right now mine's hidden because of its recent descent into flabby unawesomeness, so i'll spare you.
anywho.
lately, i've been learning all sorts of fun facts about my family's history.
my Dominican side has ties to the assassination of Trujillo, and my Korean grandma broke all of the rules.
ALL of the rules.
apart from successfully escaping the clutches of her North Korean captors during the Korean War, she also managed to do much of the same from her adulterous husband.
apparently, my Korean grandpa was anything but faithful to her during their marriage.
he had affairs - Jeebus knows how many - and eventually, he managed to get a woman pregnant.
pissed, my grandmother had him and his mistress arrested - because adultery was against the law in those days - which was unheard of, as it was usually men who turned their adulterous wives in, while enjoying the company of as many women as they chose.
but my grandmother had him put into prison, divorced him, and bent his entire family to her will as she was the one with the money and the power.
"When he's released," she told him and his family, "I will help support him, but only because he can't support himself."
the family had no choice but to do whatever she asked.
so she was a war survivor and a divorcee.
and, on top of everything else, a successful Black Market saleswoman.
we still don't know the details.
all we know is that she also managed to raise my mother: a woman whose nickname in high school was Barracuda.
according to our aunt, my mother was the type who actively disliked just about every boy in school, which in turn only increased her appeal and made said boys want her love all the more.
nothing changed when she graduated and took a job at the US military base near her hometown.
indeed, she had been proposed to several times, and even found herself occasionally serenaded in the Officers Club and bars and the like.
she was the shit.
and, according to her, she knew it.
the only person who didn't seem to know it was, of course, my clueless dad.
"Uh, dat's where YOU get it from," she told me, mid-story.
anywho.
apparently, my mother was confused as to why this one man just didn't seem to like her as much as all the other men she met.
What's wrong with him? she wondered, and, What's wrong with me?
she had to get to the bottom of it and make him notice her.
she tried flirting.
"But he was stupid and didn't notice."
"...I really didn't..."
"So I had to try eben hahdah."
"Yep. She did."
and so she resorted to spreading rumors about how she had a crush on Andy Toro - a rumor she hoped would reach him.
and it did.
"But I didn't really believe it," my dad interjected, "The guys would say things like, 'Hey, man, I heard Ms. Kim wants to have a tour of your tank.' And I'd be like, '...So?'"
and my mom shook her head.
"Useless."
finally, my mom took a more direct approach.
"Andy?" she asked one day, when they ran into each other, "Would you mind teaching me Englishy? My Englishy is uh berry bad."
"Huh?" was all my dad could say, clearly confused, "Um...I guess..."
and after just a couple of sessions, my dad finally came to his senses.
finally, he asked her out.
"Okay," she told him, "But I just hab to uh tell my boypriend I can't see him anymoh."
"...Boyfriend?!" my dad exclaimed.
"...Boyfriend?!!!" i exclaimed, years later.
"Uh huh," my mom went on, "Foh a while I was dating dis man wis biiig glasses, berry tall, berry white, but berry nice. He wanted to get married, but he couldn't marry me while in his kind obah job, so he quit and said we could stay in uh Korea for a few moh years so I could learn better English befoh we go to dah States."
i stared.
"Yeah. I felt so bad when I broke up wis him. I couldn't eben look him in the face when I did it. But aptahword, when we left dah restaurant, I finally looked up at him, and his glasses were so foggy, and I felt so bad, so I just reached out my hand and gabe him a handshake and said, 'Okay! Bye!' And dat was it. Huh. I wondah where he is now?'"
my dad shook his head.
"Yep. And I bet you regretted it ever since."
"...Maybe. hahahaha."
knowing this doesn't make the fact that both of my parents are sure that i take after my dad at all comforting.
"But look at it dis way," my mother tried to console me, "It's actually lucky you're a lesbian."
"...Why?"
"Girls like nerdy, awkward, shy people moh. Look at me and yoh daddy."
but excuses are like butts, and right now mine's hidden because of its recent descent into flabby unawesomeness, so i'll spare you.
anywho.
lately, i've been learning all sorts of fun facts about my family's history.
my Dominican side has ties to the assassination of Trujillo, and my Korean grandma broke all of the rules.
ALL of the rules.
apart from successfully escaping the clutches of her North Korean captors during the Korean War, she also managed to do much of the same from her adulterous husband.
apparently, my Korean grandpa was anything but faithful to her during their marriage.
he had affairs - Jeebus knows how many - and eventually, he managed to get a woman pregnant.
pissed, my grandmother had him and his mistress arrested - because adultery was against the law in those days - which was unheard of, as it was usually men who turned their adulterous wives in, while enjoying the company of as many women as they chose.
but my grandmother had him put into prison, divorced him, and bent his entire family to her will as she was the one with the money and the power.
"When he's released," she told him and his family, "I will help support him, but only because he can't support himself."
the family had no choice but to do whatever she asked.
so she was a war survivor and a divorcee.
and, on top of everything else, a successful Black Market saleswoman.
we still don't know the details.
all we know is that she also managed to raise my mother: a woman whose nickname in high school was Barracuda.
according to our aunt, my mother was the type who actively disliked just about every boy in school, which in turn only increased her appeal and made said boys want her love all the more.
nothing changed when she graduated and took a job at the US military base near her hometown.
indeed, she had been proposed to several times, and even found herself occasionally serenaded in the Officers Club and bars and the like.
she was the shit.
and, according to her, she knew it.
the only person who didn't seem to know it was, of course, my clueless dad.
"Uh, dat's where YOU get it from," she told me, mid-story.
anywho.
apparently, my mother was confused as to why this one man just didn't seem to like her as much as all the other men she met.
What's wrong with him? she wondered, and, What's wrong with me?
she had to get to the bottom of it and make him notice her.
she tried flirting.
"But he was stupid and didn't notice."
"...I really didn't..."
"So I had to try eben hahdah."
"Yep. She did."
and so she resorted to spreading rumors about how she had a crush on Andy Toro - a rumor she hoped would reach him.
and it did.
"But I didn't really believe it," my dad interjected, "The guys would say things like, 'Hey, man, I heard Ms. Kim wants to have a tour of your tank.' And I'd be like, '...So?'"
and my mom shook her head.
"Useless."
finally, my mom took a more direct approach.
"Andy?" she asked one day, when they ran into each other, "Would you mind teaching me Englishy? My Englishy is uh berry bad."
"Huh?" was all my dad could say, clearly confused, "Um...I guess..."
and after just a couple of sessions, my dad finally came to his senses.
finally, he asked her out.
"Okay," she told him, "But I just hab to uh tell my boypriend I can't see him anymoh."
"...Boyfriend?!" my dad exclaimed.
"...Boyfriend?!!!" i exclaimed, years later.
"Uh huh," my mom went on, "Foh a while I was dating dis man wis biiig glasses, berry tall, berry white, but berry nice. He wanted to get married, but he couldn't marry me while in his kind obah job, so he quit and said we could stay in uh Korea for a few moh years so I could learn better English befoh we go to dah States."
i stared.
"Yeah. I felt so bad when I broke up wis him. I couldn't eben look him in the face when I did it. But aptahword, when we left dah restaurant, I finally looked up at him, and his glasses were so foggy, and I felt so bad, so I just reached out my hand and gabe him a handshake and said, 'Okay! Bye!' And dat was it. Huh. I wondah where he is now?'"
my dad shook his head.
"Yep. And I bet you regretted it ever since."
"...Maybe. hahahaha."
knowing this doesn't make the fact that both of my parents are sure that i take after my dad at all comforting.
"But look at it dis way," my mother tried to console me, "It's actually lucky you're a lesbian."
"...Why?"
"Girls like nerdy, awkward, shy people moh. Look at me and yoh daddy."
So great. I love those little parental revelations like, "I was on the pill when I got pregnant with you."
ReplyDelete