39. bitches be triflin'.

ultra-conservative, hypocritical bitches, that is.


normally i don't let this blog get political; the farthest i've gone, i think, is talking about my gayness, which, while unproblematic to me, seems to garner some kind of ultra-liberal, hippie-dippie weight with its very existence.


but.


recent events in Congress have gotten me thinking.


i won't pretend to be savvy in political matters.  the extent of my knowledge and the reasoning behind my views really only go so far as, "Well, I don't like the idea of other people in pain, period, so I'll support [or refute, as the case may be] these issues."


to me, some things are just that simple.


but whenever i hear the other side of certain issues, i wonder if i'm ignorant or too simplistic in my thoughts.


i mean, who in their right mind would purposely go about causing harm to others without good reason?


i've decided to try to break it down for myself, or at least to try to imagine the trains of thought of those who confuse me:


1.  Guns don't kill people; people kill people.  Just like how foul men don't rape women; lustful, amoral women who willingly get themselves into sticky situations give their violators the opportunity.


2.  We need to keep The Debauchatron at bay.


3.  [While reading the public-option for healthcare]  "'The poor will be provided equal access to healthcare...will have the option...valuable resources for increasing the welfare of general society...TAXES?!'  This is EEEEVILLLL.  Why should I have to spend part of my hard-earned salary to help improve the standard of living of those who haven't EARNED IT?  It's not my fault if they grew up in a poorly budgeted area and system.  They should've been born and raised elsewhere.  I need that money for the yacht I've had my eye on."


4.  Sex education'll start giving kids the wrong idea.  Telling kids about it, making all that crap available, they'll wanna start doing it.


...But not like the gun thing.  Just because guns are easily accessible and constantly shown on TV and in the movies doesn't mean they're gonna start, you know, buying or using guns at school or anything.  Pshaw.  Totally different.  They're not dumb enough for THAT.  Especially if we, you know, hide them in our nightstands.  


Like abstinence for guns.


5.  God gave you that cancer that might make childbirth fatal.  Don't disrupt His plan.  He just loves that fetus more than He loves you.


6.  What's "STI?"  Sounds like some kind of alien code or something.  If it's that bad, don't have sex with aliens.  Or at all.  We don't need anymore alien babies in this country.


7.  Illegal immigrants don't pay the taxes [we don't want to pay, either].


8.  Abortion is murder and the death penalty is...just desserts.


9.  Gay marriage means they'll wanna start marrying, you know, their dogs.


Love is a good thing, as long as the parts fit and it's not for people who like "choice," gun control, and non-elitist education systems.


--


okay, so maybe i failed in understanding the other side.


but if you're on the other side, let me explain my reasoning to you.


i believe in God.  i don't think my pro-choice, pro-gay, pro-welfare views contradict that fact in the slightest.


actually, for the longest time, while i was grappling with my sexuality, part of me was so empty because of how i truly felt that He renounced the very life He gave me and i tried to return the favor.


when i was at the end of my rope, plotting ways to end it all, i finally decided to read the Bible - in hopes of hearing, once and for all, from God's own assumed disembodied voice, that my life was a mistake.


but while those maybe 4 or so lines mentioned the wrongness of sodomy, they said nothing about Love.


Love of self.


Love of others.


Love of life, in general.


when Love occupied just about every other word in the rest of the book.


finally, i found the strength to be myself and Come Out and find happiness and wish the same for everyone i know and everyone i've yet to meet.


even you, People Bent on Stealing My Voice and Rights to Live.


i could never support anything that promised to make uneducated assumptions about the lives of the people i love - and i love everyone.


abortion is one of the most difficult decisions a woman can make, according to my mother who, one pregnancy prior to giving birth to my eldest sister, faced that very same decision when she and my dad just could not financially or emotionally support a baby.


when i see the pain in her eyes in recalling that choice, and hear her explain that it was what was right for them at the time, i know that this decision isn't one that's made lightly, as those men in Congress seem to believe.


more than this, i could never allow a broken system to force women into these situations in the first place.


i advocate proper education, preparedness, awareness, and protection.


like most people, i wish we lived in a world devoid of tough decisions, conflict, poverty, education gaps, and discrimination.


but we don't.


the best we can do is prepare ourselves.  give ourselves a chance.  respect one another.  Love each other.

38. whoa. that was stupid. [for those i've repelled with awkwardness.]

i don't pick up on signals.

whenever i privately fantasize about pseudo-romantic rendezvouses [haha the plural for rendezvous makes me laugh], i fancy myself the pursuer; but in real-life situations, whenever i decide to take a plunge into the murky depths of Romance and Lesbian Night-Clubs, i'm the wall-flower, praying to Jeebus that someone will pick up on the fact that i'm too terrified to make the first move.

Big Spoon dreams with Little Spoon attitude.

actually, not even Little Spoon attitude.

just Inexcusable Idiocy.

i have that special curse, sometimes gift, where months - years, even - after the fact, i can remember the smallest details of situations gone wrong.

maybe it's because i'm constantly blaming myself for my inability to "connect," and i feel the need to dissect events that haunt me with hopes of improving myself, guarding myself against future failures.

or maybe it's just because i'm well aware of the fact that God seems to have purposely and purposefully armed me with a talent for carrying out almost cinematically ridiculous acts for the entertainment of others, and i'd feel guilty if my hilarious pain wasn't offered up for someone else's joy.

anywho.

after reading a number of drunken journal entries (that are far too embarrassing to put up here, even for me), as well as bitterly looking back through a slightly more socially aware microscope, i've decided to address certain happenstances and apologize to those who have fallen victim to my debilitating social-ineptness.

and to help those of you who find yourselves in similar circumstances.

1. one night, i was in bed with someone i was actually beginning to like.

like, like-like.

meaning that i didn't know what the fuck to do about it. granted, we were, as i said, already in bed together, and, as such, you'd think that any awkward tension was obliterated; however, being that i was just waking up from a drunken stupor and was therefore once again aware of my own inhibitions, we were back at square one.

so when she started to shiver, while on her side, facing away from me, my first thought wasn't, Oh! She wants to cuddle! Thank God! as it should've been, because lord knows i would've jumped at the chance.

instead, i felt guilty that she was so cold even though she was already under the covers.

so as quietly as i could, i went and found another blanket and covered her with it.

genuinely thinking that this was the most thoughtful and correct course of action.

...yeah.

2. not too long after #1, in the same evening, that is [yes, i know, poor whoeversheis], i went to the bathroom, convinced she was still asleep. when i returned, she was almost entirely on my side of the bed.

i figured she just moved in her sleep, so i did my best to un-awkwardly maneuver myself so that i was at least partially on the mattress, still worried i might disturb her.

but she wasn't even completely asleep, and when she stirred a bit i hesitated before asking, as politely as possible, "Um...would you mind, like...moving over a little bit?"

and i discovered just a second later that there was no polite way to ask that.

and i realized several months later that it might have been another one of those signs.

3. the next morning ["Holy shit, Vickie, seriously?!"], when we were in front of her building, there was a brief, tense moment of silence. suddenly, she lunged at me with a kiss. i was so taken aback i only managed to summon enough consciousness to nervously laugh and say, "Okay. See you later!"

walking away, i was already slowly dying inside.

4. moving on to another unlucky lady:

out of the blue, she asked me out.

surprised and sincerely interested - being that this was the first time anyone had been forward enough to do so - i consented.

the date went well. very well.

but when i realized that i might actually really like her, in true Vickie form i retreated to my inner fortress and shut down.

so, at the end of the night, when i was dropping her off and she asked, so directly, if i wanted to kiss her, i was overcome with two thoughts: the first, Oh my God. She already knows me well enough to be this direct. I feel so exposed.; and the second, Uhhhhhhh...

unfortunately, the second thought found its way out, filled the air with unnecessary tension, and i convinced myself that i fucked things up and there was no way in hell she was still into me.

so no, we didn't kiss.

and yes, i do use, "Uhhh..." as a legitimate form of communication.

5. "I like you, Vickie."

"Aww. I like you, too!"

"Oh, man. 'Cos last year, when I told my friends about it, I finally decided to make a move on you at the next USC party, but you had just officially gotten with someone else."

beat.

"Oh! You meant that like!"

6. when a girl invited me over to her place for a night of SNL, i figured she just wanted to be friends.

i had only very recently Come Out, so i was desperate for comrades.

and when she inched so close to me on the couch, to the point where she was practically sitting on one of my arms, i wondered if that was just how lesbians bonded.

7. Text: I'm stuck in traffic - I could really use some entertainment ;P

My reply: Oh...that's unfortunate. I'm sorry. :/ LA traffic sucks.

8. "Oh, man, I really wanna dance right now!"

"Go for it - I can't really dance."

---

and this is just a small sampling, mind you. i have 3 journals worth of bitter introspection and regret.

it always amazes me just how wonderfully and relentlessly i fuck things up.

if you have been on the receiving end of my clueless anti-whims, please know how deeply sorry i am.

talking to people on a one-on-one basis has never been easy for me; that middleground, between acknowledging that i can be too guarded only to discover, in an effort to remedy that flaw, that i'm also susceptible to word vomit, is yet to be charted.

try as i might to prevent myself from putting up my walls, keeping a wary eye on myself more than on the situation at hand, i tend to grasp for any possible thought to keep things going. and more often than not, all i find is that no matter what, being myself around people who interest me is tough; i either don't open up enough, or i try to be so exposed that the words that fly out of my mouth, like shrapnel over a promising conversation, are false.

so, again, i'm sorry to those i may have hurt or deterred.

i can honestly say that it's not you, it's me.