4. Get a Prescription for Ritalin.

a train of thought i recorded several days ago, when i was supposed to be studying. or weeks. i can't count.

1. McGonagall was Dumbledore's fruit fly.

2. ...Dumbledore was totally McGonagall's lesbro.

3. if the Three Broomsticks had a Witches' Night...

4. ...or a Wizards' night...

5. ...or if Hogwarts had a GSA.

6. if witches and wizards bother with practicing safe sex...

7. ...Protego!

8. why didn't Harry accio the golden egg?

9. why didn't Hermione ever bitch-slap Harry/Ron?

10. is transitioning for a witch-to-wizard or wizard-to-witch easier?

11. ...is there a spell for that?

12. what if you're a witch/wizard who identifies more as, say, a centaur?

13. why can't i get a degree in Witches Studies?

14. i don't know what to do with my life.

15. i can't even get this paper done without getting completely distracted.

16. is there a potion for ADD?

17. i bet i have undiagnosed ADD.

18. it'd explain a lot of things.

19. like that time i randomly blurted out the number 2 when, apparently, the professor had asked, "What percentage of the world is Asian?"

20. i wish i was more Asian.

21. only sometimes, though.

22. except when i'm applying for things.

23. i feel like people grade Asians harder.

24. it's lucky i have an ambiguous name, that leans a little more toward the brown side.

25. it actually sounds almost British, til you get to the last name.

26. i wish i was British.

27. i'd like to raise my kids in the UK, just so they'd speak in cute accents and call me "mum" or "mummy."

28. "mum" is probably one of my favorite words.

29. my second-favorite is "fancy."

30. my absolute-favorite is "douche."

31. "douche" is a magical word that i refuse to use too much, because i worry that i'll get tired of it.

32. it's a noun.

33. and an adjective.

34. onomatopoeia.

35. French.

36. i wanted to learn French more than i ever wanted to learn Spanish.

37. when i'm at a Mexican/Mexican-themed restaurant, where the menu items are Spanish-y, i have to pep myself up in order to say the name properly.

38. usually, i still panic when it's my turn to order and end up saying things with hard r's and a slight valley-girl accent.

39. whenever i think back to particularly embarrassing moments, my body literally convulses.

40. laughing out loud actually helps keep the convulsions under control.

41. so i sound crazy rather than look crazy.

42. i laugh in all situations.

43. it got me kicked out of a haunted trail once, because, when something jumped out at me, i jumped, panicked, and laughed long and hard out of anxiety.

44. i also stare at people uncomfortably when i'm feeling especially awkward.

45. or when i'm plucking up the courage to say something to them.

46. especially if they're very pretty, or at least interesting-looking.

47. one of the nicest compliments i've ever gotten is, "Vickie, you bring out the weird in people."

48. i still don't exactly understand what that means.

49. holy crap.

50. it's 2:23 in the morning.

3. Don't Cry. It Makes You Look Guilty.

i hate stereotypes.

just about the only thing i hate more than stereotypes is realizing that i fit some of them.

...i'm an Asian woman driver.

that being said, you might find it hard to believe that, throughout my entire driving career, i've only ever gotten 1 ticket (for parking) and i've only been in 1 accident.

granted, the accident was a stupid one.

but i learned a lot from it.

back in high school i was still under the impression that a.) stereotypes count for nil, and b.) yes, i can in fact use some sort of Jedi/Martial Arts/Yoga extra-sensory perception that allows me simultaneously drive and operate a cell phone.

and one morning, i was proved wrong.

we were stopped in traffic.

the car in front of me - a brand-new Mercedes - inched forward.

as i was looking down, trying to figure out how to work my poor-man's version of the iTrip, all i saw out of the corner of my eye was the sudden movement of the red brake lights ahead of me.

i accelerated.

and heard a crunch.

and, immediately, started to cry.

not because i was in pain.

or because i might have damaged the car.

and not because i was embarrassed.

but because images of my angry, Korean mother flooded my mind and i could already feel the raw sting of a bare hand on my stupid ass.

...or a flyswatter...

... and i could already hear the foreign obscenities ringing in my ears.

but i had to call her.

she was the only one at home.

so, sobbing, i pulled over to the side of the road, got out, walked up to the other car to make sure they were alright, and pushed "Call."

"Mommy?" i said, pitifully.

"...Yes?" she already sounded suspicious.

"I...got into a accident."

a long pause.

"What KIND obah acceedent?"

i tried to choke back some snot before replying, "...Car..."

a long, angry sigh.

"Where. Ah. You."

i told her.

she yelled through the phone and assured me she'd be there soon.

i waited.

after about 10 minutes, i saw her car pull up behind mine.

the door opened slowly.

she got out.

slammed the door shut.

her feet crunched loudly on the pavement as she made her way toward the passenger side of my car.

still sobbing, trembling, i opened the window and looked up.

her hand was raised and pointed, and she looked ready to scream.

i'd never seen her so pissed in my entire life.

she had Angry/Non-inebriated Asian Glow.

but she hesitated.

considered me a moment, in my most pathetic state: puffy-eyed, shaking, not a dry spot on my face.

spring and fear-induced snot dripping down to my chin.

...a crease between her eyebrows relaxed a little.

she sighed again:

and sure enough, i was "at fault."

lesson: learned.

and she never mentioned the accident ever again.

2. I'm a Little Weird.

here are 22 things about myself to wet your pallet.

and to help me burn off the 3 cups of coffee i just had.

1. 1 cup of coffee is more than enough.

2. i have very little self-control.

3. especially when it comes to donuts.

4. i'm also very partial to redheads.

5. and puns.

6. and women.

7. before i came out, i was sure that my lesbian-ness was dead obvious.

8. until i moved to LA.

9. and seriously considered shaving my head and getting "tats."

10. i've been afraid of needles since birth.

so much so that, at the age of 5, no less than 4 nurses had to hold me down after i managed to escape to and hide in the other end of the clinic.

11. the only Korean i know i learned while sitting shotgun to my mother.

12. and after bringing home B papers.

13. the first quiz i ever failed was in geography, and i had to label each state in the US.

14. in the 5th grade, i cried after i found out that, because everyone who scored better than me on a diagnostic geography quiz backed out, i had to participate in the upcoming Geography Bee.

15. the boy i sat next to in the Bee felt so bad that he whispered 1 or 2 of the answers to me.

16. i still lost.

17. in the Spelling Bee, of the same year, i was so nervous i misspelled my third word, "Barnacle."

18. i spelled it with a "u."

19. my mother tried to console me by saying that my loose tooth made my "a" sound like a "u."

20. to this day, i cringe whenever i see/hear the word.

21. ...i just cringed.

22. i tend to find comfort in donuts.

1. Gay Marriage Means I Can Marry My Dog[s].

seriously, though.

maybe those right-wing crazies have a point?

maybe not crazies.

maybe innovators.

really, what other kind of person could take marriage and tie it in with bestiality?

no ordinary person could do it.

the train of thought must've gone something like this:

1. God created a couple of people: one man, one woman.

2. well, really there was only one person - a man - and then the man got lonely and needy, so He created Eve, too, to keep him company.

3. Eve got bored and tired of taking care of Adam, and she needed some space, so she went off by herself and had a snack.

4. she found out that she and Adam were naked, and that the dead-giveaways might actually serve a purpose.

5. and then they had babies, because babies can only happen if there's one dude and one lady.

6. so the kids grew up and showed signs of severe emotional issues (but, hey, they exist, right? magic!).

clearly, only a hetero couple could make that kind of magic happen.

(and raise those kids proper.)

7. otherwise, the parts don't fit. it'd be a holy clusterfuck.

way too confusing.

He kept things simple.

8. anywho.

9. why complicate things? you can't bang two pointy things together and get something out of it, other than funny noises, and when you try to bang two tubish things together all you get is a hollow sound.

nothing.

nonsense.

10. why make percussion noises when you can make babies/magic?

11. shiz don't make no sense.

12. no one would choose percussion over babies/magic.

13. except crazies.

14. and crazies like all sorts of things:

a. yelling.
b. raving.
c. murdering.
d. hitting.
e. putting things where they don't belong.
f. animals.

15. animals?

16. especially animals.

and especially putting things where they don't belong.

17. heck, if they "prefer" not making babies by doing shiz that just don't make no sense, then they have to fill the void with something.

so why not animals?

18. and even if they don't like animals, what's the difference, really, between one crazy and the next?

19. nothing worth a mention.

20. all crazies live/belong in the same place.

Hell.

21. if we let them marry each other (or even US), then they'll wanna start marrying animals next!

22. especially the ugly 'mos who can't find any other 'mos who want them.

23. animals are the next logical step, seeing as how they can't argue that well.

bite, yes, but that's nothing some tranquilizer can't fix.

24. and crazies, like 'mos, can't really tell the difference anyway.

-----

so here's my thinking:

1. i don't like men the way i'm supposed to like men.

2. i must be crazy.

3. i have a dog who i love named Wheezy.

4. i'm not sure if he loves me, but he does nuzzle and cuddle me a lot.

5. and lick my hand.

6. and sometimes hump my leg.

7. i'm kind of awkward.

8. and desperate.

9. probably mostly desperate.

10. and shy.

11. but still mostly desperate.

12. Wheezy can't talk.

13. which means he can't argue.

14. because he's an animal.

15. some states allow gays to get married.

16. which means that the world's going to pot and it must be okay for anyone to marry anything that they like.

17. like a lamp.

18. i don't like any of my lamps.

19. but i do love Wheezy.

20. i should marry Wheezy.

21. and once that's done, since, again, if letting gays get married means people can marry animals which means that polygamists can fulfill their wildest, frock-filled dreams, i'll buy more dogs and marry them, too.

22. GENIUS.

-----

honestly, right now Wheezy's just about the only non-bloodrelated living thing in my life that's shown signs of unconditional love towards me.

and, as long as it has a pulse, what's the difference?